What if boundaries weren’t something we reluctantly enforced, but something we embraced as an essential form of self-care? How do we begin to recognize the discomfort that signals when they’re being tested—and how do we respond with clarity rather than guilt?


What boundaries really mean? Why can they be difficult to set, and how do you build the confidence to uphold them? At this last Career Camp, Tamara Milenković sure shaped new conversations. Rather than prescribing quick solutions, this POV article offers reflections, tools, and exercises designed to help you define your own language of boundaries—ones that are not about confrontation, but about connection, care, and staying true to yourself.

Let’s begin.

By Tamara Milenković, Head of HR & Coach Supervisor.

 

At this Career Camp, we had the opportunity to discuss the concept of boundaries and what they actually entail. We had some unanswered questions, such as what they are (really), when do you know it’s time to set one, what if it feels too hard, or too late?

Going through it, some recurring themes emerged regarding understanding and identifying, the need for setting them up, practicing and communicating and, ultimately, managing emotions and building boundary-supportive habits. If you felt you have more questions than answers, you’re not alone, as reflecting on boundaries is a deeply personal journey. So, let’s take it slow, skip the “quick-fix” lists, and focus on small reflections and tools that can help you figure out what is true for you.

 

What boundaries actually are (for you)

Let’s start with some fundamentals: boundaries are not just “saying no.” They are how you care for yourself, and your way of saying: “This is important to me.” and “I am important to me.”

If your question was: “When is it a good time to start setting up the boundaries?” Well - good news - you already have them, even if they’re a bit blurry. You might feel them when something is “off,” or when you say yes but regret it later. You might see them if you pay attention to how much time you give to some topics or people, how you let people speak to you, how you take care of your energy, and also how you stay connected to your values.

Keep in mind that boundaries don’t have to be loud and/or extreme - most of the time, they are small and quiet decisions you make to stay true to yourself. This is why it is important to define how they look to you personally.

 

 

What gets in the way?

So if boundaries are such a core part of care, why is it so hard to set them? Often, it’s not the act itself - but what we fear will happen next. Will they think you are difficult, or will you disappoint them, or lose some opportunities? Sounds familiar? Fear and guilt are two big boundary blockers. Under them, we often find the hope that if we just keep giving without saying no, we’ll be safe, loved, or maybe seen as good enough.

We might focus too much on how the other side will react, and forget that the only thing you can control is your actions, not their reaction. We take on the responsibility of managing other people’s feelings, and forget that healthy adults are responsible for managing their own feelings. Our responsibility is to stay true and kind to ourselves.

 

How to start saying it? Assertively and with empathy

Once you’re clearer on your needs and what’s been holding you back, the next step is sharing your boundaries in a respectful way. As it is based on learning by doing/experiencing, it can be messy, and it’s okay, as you can’t learn it only by listening or reading about it. Start applying the knowledge, gather feedback, identify areas for improvement, and repeat.

In the discussions, we mentioned assertive communication and to be on the same page. Assertive here means:

“I respect and represent myself, I respect you, and I’m willing to be clear.”

Assertiveness doesn’t mean that I am going to push for my agenda no matter what; it means there is a lot of space for empathy, understanding, collaboration, listening, and adapting. I will represent myself, therefore I will respectfully speak up for what I think, feel, need or believe in, in a way that is authentic to me. 

As you can imagine, not everyone will be happy about it or support it - heck, people might look confused, hurt, or even angry. You won’t always get applause for your boundary-setting, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right choice.

 

 

Where do I start with the reflection?

If you’re willing to try some small steps, but are unsure where to start, here are a few practical ideas from the workshop. Feel free to try them if you wish to start exploring, or if you feel stuck - take the template and answer questions in bold in your own words:

"Five whys" boundary reflection

  • What happened: Manager gave me a task at 5 PM, and I said yes, though I was already overwhelmed.
  • Why didn’t I say no? Because I didn’t want to seem unhelpful.
  • Why do I care about seeming unhelpful? Because I want my manager to think I’m reliable.
  • Why is it important that they see me as reliable? Because I’m afraid they’ll think I can’t handle the job.
  • Why does that scare me? Because I don’t want to be seen as weak or failing.
  • Why would that matter so much? Because I tie my worth to how well I perform.

People pleaser exercise: 

  • Pick a person you struggle to say no to: My manager
  • Write and fill in the sentence: If I say no, they’ll think… I’m not a team player.
  • And that scares me because I really want them to see me as committed and capable.
  • Digging deeper: If they don’t see me that way, I worry I’ll lose opportunities or be seen as replaceable. Their approval feels tied to my security at work.

Belief challenge exercise:

  • Complete the sentence about saying no: “If I set a boundary, ___ will happen.”
    • If I set a boundary, my manager will think I’m difficult and stop trusting me.
  • Challenge it: Is that true? 
    • Write reasons: Probably not. I’ve delivered consistently, and one boundary won’t erase that.
    • What’s the evidence? No one’s ever said I’m difficult. In fact, I’ve been told I take on too much. This might be more about my fear of disappointing people than their actual view of me.
  • Insight: The belief holding me back is: “If I disappoint someone, they’ll stop valuing me.” But that’s an old fear, not a fact.

Energy drain map:

  • Agreed to take on my manager’s urgent task at the end of the day. Why didn’t I protect my energy? → I felt like saying no would disappoint them, and I didn’t want to seem difficult or ungrateful.
  • Helped a junior colleague prep for their presentation (+) Why? → I genuinely wanted to support them, and it felt meaningful, not like a performance or a duty.
  • What it reveals: Choices were driven by approval-seeking and fear of being judged. Only one came from a place of authentic willingness.
  • Takeaway: Just because I can say yes, doesn’t mean I should. Every “yes” has an energy cost, and I want to start spending that energy more wisely.

When someone crosses a boundary, they might not know it if you don’t communicate it, so respond constructively and assertively. Using empathic assertiveness, “I messages”, active listening, and maybe even the DEAR technique (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce).

We have to underline that people CAN’T READ OUR MINDS. 

And they shouldn’t have to :) 

It is neither realistic nor healthy to assume, interpret, or imagine what someone’s needs could be. If you don’t feel ok or if you see that your boundary is being overstepped, informing the other person about it helps reinforce the boundary. It also allows the person to learn more about you, what is acceptable to you, and how to approach the situation differently. Communicating your needs is not a one-way street - you will probably have to repeat it a couple of times, so use your feedback-giving skills and combine them with assertiveness.

 

If you’re burned out right now…

Burnout is one example of how the context you are in can impact the flow of your boundary-setting journey. If you’re noticing that you're burned out, please consult a doctor. Burnout is not just related to mindset; it requires a deep physical and psychological recovery, as recognized by the WHO (World Health Organization) as an official occupational phenomenon. As such, it requires the help of a medical doctor for thorough recovery. Take care of your physical health, and build your recovery with a medical expert on your side. And keep in mind - recovery is a boundary, too. 

 

It can get messy 

Boundaries are not about becoming cold or selfish, or pushy toward others, they’re about becoming honest with yourself as they allow you to stay connected to your values. And yes, sometimes “#hit hits the fan” as you try to set a boundary. Someone gets upset. Or you started doubting yourself. In that moment, there are many possibilities:

  • Reality check: Separate your intention & delivery from their response: “What boundary did I actually set? Was it clear, respectful, and specific? “Am I responsible for their reaction, or just for how I delivered it?”
  • Emotions: Is it about now or then: “What part of their reaction is triggering for me? Does this remind me of a past situation or dynamic that is an old wound?”
  • Put a name to it, as fear feeds on vagueness: “What am I afraid will happen because I set this boundary? What story am I telling myself right now? Is this story 100% true, or just fear speaking?”
  • Anchor to your values for “why” and Clarity: “What value was I protecting when I set that boundary? Would I feel proud of honoring that value, even if someone’s upset?”
  • What now instead of What if, to move spiraling to action: “What do I need right now: reassurance, rest, a reset? Do I need to clarify what I said, soften the message, hold the line, or reconnect with the person?”

 

It’s a wrap

I wish it were easier, but there’s no “one size fits all,” and tools are not magic-doers; they are just mirrors that will work if you use them with honesty. If boundary-setting seems scary to you, you’re not doing it wrong—you’re stepping outside of the familiar, and being brave in asking for clarity. 

When it doesn’t work as planned, be kind to yourself. You are learning! Reflect, re-center, and remember: a boundary is not a wall; it’s a bridge with structure that might take many shapes and forms. You’re not here to follow someone else’s script; you’re here to build your own language of care and clarity. 

You don’t need to be perfect - just honest.
You don’t need to get it all right from the start.
And as smart and strong as you are, build your own way.

So, which boundary are you ready to work with this week by taking small steps every day? 

Well, you get to choose. 

And that’s the most beautiful part of the journey :)